Hey, you! Yes, you right there! Do you want to be a REAL WRITER? Sure you do! Doesn’t everyone just have that little creative bug in them that makes them want to write something to call their very own?
(Well, actually, no. If you say you want to try out writing but you’ve never written before, or if you haven’t written in a while but want to get back into it, you should probably just leave now. REAL WRITERS have always been writing consistently since they could understand and convey human language onto paper. So yeah, if you want to get in after having not written for a few years, or God forbid not at all, you’re kind of fucked. We REAL WRITERS are a pretty exclusive club.)
Okay, now that we’ve weeded out the wannabes from those with actual potential, let’s get to it. Here are the things you must do to become a REAL WRITER.
REAL WRITERS write every day.
Hence why you can’t be a REAL WRITER if you haven’t written in a while. The rule is that you must produce at least five thousand words per day. Anyone can do five thousand words a day! You just have to cut out the unnecessary things getting in the way. This leads nicely to the second point:
REAL WRITERS have no life beyond writing.
That means no friends, no contact with family, no job and no basic hygiene. Also no sleeping. You may only eat, drink or pee if you write while you do it. This is the only way you can possibly reach the five thousand word goal every day and become a REAL WRITER. And while we’re on the topic of things that get in the way of your writing time:
REAL WRITERS never read.
“What?!” You may cry with a hand over your chest. “But reading is what makes me even want to write! And every other writing advice thing I’ve ever read says to read a lot!”
Well, my very young apprentice, here is the problem with reading. First of all, it cuts into time you should be writing. Procrastination is, of course, the greatest sin any writer can ever commit, and you must not do anything to facilitate it. Secondly, reading makes you write differently. It makes you a lazy, unoriginal hack pretty quickly by making you writer like everyone else. REAL WRITERS learn to write like Jimi Hendrix learned to play music—without any help at all. Reading is for the common folk on the receiving end of your greatness.
Some people may tell you that your writing can’t be influenced after a certain point because you have your own voice that cannot be tampered with as long as you are confident in it. These people are not REAL WRITERS.
REAL WRITERS never, ever have ‘Writers Block’.
“Writers Block” is a myth created by wannabes who wish they could be REAL WRITERS, but can’t reach the five thousand word goal every day and so blame it on ‘a lack of ideas’ rather than their own inadequacy as human beings. REAL WRITERS are always a fountain of brilliant ideas which spring onto the page, almost seeming to write themselves. Although, before you get too swept up in that, I must add a caveat:
REAL WRITERS see no magic in writing.
Writing is a very serious thing, my friend. It is not a playground where you can just toss words around like candy. Nor is it a roller coaster where you can be surprised by every twist and turn. REAL WRITERS don’t get swept up in the story. This is for the commoners who must see you as a god descended to bestow upon man words to keep them from losing their souls to their pathetic commoner lives. To you, writing must be a mundane, well-planned-out task. You must not take any joy in writing.
“What?!” you cry again, my naïve student. “But the magic of being swept up in the characters and world I create is why I started writing! I write because it’s fun!”
Thanks for saying that, my padawan learner. This leads us to the final, most important point of all:
REAL WRITERS don’t have fun. Ever.
REAL WRITERS do not write because the process is ‘fun’. REAL WRITERS write to impress the commoners, who see them as great literary artists who can string words together in such a way as to make their heads explode from the sheer brilliance of it. This is why The Hunger Games and Gone With The Wind can never, EVER be literature. Literature is not fun. It is beautiful. If a piece is to be devoid of fun, its creator must be devoid of fun as well.
And there you have it! That’s how to be a REAL WRITER! Now, if you excuse me, I think I hear someone at the door. Probably the repo man again, here to remove yet another distraction from my home. Bless his heart.